"If
we fall, we don't need self-recrimination or blame
or anger - we need a reawakening of our intention
and a willingness to recommit, to be whole-hearted
once again."
-Susan Salzberg
One of the greatest joys of a partnership or marriage
is that it provides a special sense of belonging.
A couple shares the feeling that they belong to
someone, to something bigger than themselves, bigger
than the two of them together. Besides love, respect
and trust form the foundation of that union. Without
respect and trust, the spark that ignites that love
is gradually extinguished.
A strong relationship involves the 4 C’s:
caring, commitment, communication, and concern.
Caring is the unconditional love and acceptance
between the couple. Commitment is the promise
made to commit to the long-term welfare of each
other. Communication is the daily, monthly, yearly,
lifelong, interaction between each other, best
accomplished by doing so directly. Concern is
caring about what happens to the other person,
making joint goals and working to carry them out,
as well as supporting the other party in her/his
individual pursuits.
Recent research findings have discovered that
success in a partnership can be predicted with
94% accuracy where a couple is observed giving
four positive statements to each negative. Often
times couples find themselves giving four negatives
to each positive, and then they end up wondering
why they feel troubled, wishing they weren’t
together. It’s healthy to argue; however,
the goal is to fight fairly.
When the following negative behaviors are found
too frequently in their interactions, a couple
gradually becomes aware that they are feeling
deeply upset, even depressed. One of the parties
may wish the other to change in some way, in a
wish to fine-tune his/her partner. Or, either
may desire her/his way and attempt to get it without
the other’s knowledge or willingness to
accept it. The other resists and may retaliate
with passive aggressiveness or manipulation. The
partner then feels controlled and unequal. A cycle
of negative behaviors is thus set in motion. The
partner is driven away – the opposite of
the intended goal – to stay together. Intimacy
is lost, creating a barrier to understanding and
empathy.
The following behaviors are all symptoms of unhealthy
emotional agendas: anger, hurt, humiliation, embarrassment,
insecurity, jealousy, guilt, shame, frustration,
or anxiety.
| Criticism |
Fault finding: “You
never pick up your socks.” |
| Accusations |
“You did
this/that.” “You didn’t
do this/that.” |
| Blame |
“It’s
all your fault.” |
| Nagging |
The request may
not have been heard the first time. The
second time, it
may be assumed it was heard. The third time
a request is made, and it isn’t carried
out, the assumption may be made that the answer
is no. (Ask “Why not?”) |
| Condemnation |
“You’re
a terrible person.” |
| Threats |
“If you
don’t ____________, I’m going
to leave.” |
| Name-calling |
“You jerk!
You idiot.” |
Past history
(not within the last month) |
“Last year
when we went to Cancun, you forgot to make
the hotel reservation.” |
| Changing topics |
“Not only
that, your sister visits too often.” |
| Defensiveness |
Making excuses, projecting blame onto the
partner, claiming memory lapse, withholding
information, telling lies, conveniently forgetting |
| Control and manipulation |
Requests are
made through indirect means without regard
for the other party’s interests |
| Selfishness |
Attempts to do
only what you want without taking into consideration
the other party’s likes/interests.
Marriage/relationships involve compromise,
not one-upmanship or personal interest only. |
| Neediness |
Unrealistic expectations
that the other party will/has the ability
to fulfill all your desires and needs for
you to feel happy. It indicates a compulsive
need for the other’s approval to achieve
one’s own sense of self-worth. |
| Other Verbal Negative Behaviors |
Temper tantrums,
interrupting, sarcasm, ridicule, contempt,
non-supportive
comments, undermining, jumping to conclusions,
general negative attitude, prolonged pessimism,
possessiveness, jealousy, unnecessary or relentless
questioning, refusing to discuss issues, responding
that “Nothing” is wrong,
deliberately misquoting, choosing an inappropriate time to discuss a difficult
subject, mind reading |
| Non-verbal Negative Behaviors |
Not listening, eye rolling,
sighing, not paying attention, walking out/away
without resolution during a dispute, crossed
arms (demonstrating a non-receptive attitude),
slamming a door, gestures indicating impatience
or disgust or dissatisfaction |
Issues and concerns leading to these behaviors,
both verbal and non-verbal, can
be addressed directly with far better results.
The unhealthy feelings can be explored and changed
to healthier ones. If you are aware of these negative
behaviors occurring on a consistent basis in your
committed partnership, it is wise to seek counseling
to learn positive, relationship-enhancing, alternatives.
Ruth Fowler, M.Ed., LPC, MCC
For more information, contact:
Ruth
G. Fowler, M.Ed., LPC
955
Dairy Ashford, Suite 108
Houston,
Texas 77079
Office:
281.759.5991
Cell:
713.502.1996
Fax:
281.531.4126
E-Mail: ruthfowler@positivedirections.net
|
